December 31, 2010
thinking – goodbye 2010
I have been avoiding reflection. This year has been too much. I could list all the good bits, and there were plenty, but I can not bear going through my archives right now.
So needless to say, this is the worst kind of blog post ever – its a post for the sake of posting, something to fill in the void. You’ve been warned, I’m just going to spill what I’m actually thinking instead of providing you with anything interesting or useful.
Never mind the year, right now itself is hard to put into words. The emptiness of the last week of 2010 has been unlike anything else I have experienced in my life. Everyone here is out of town, with their families, on vacation, or just busy, except for me. Without any people, places and things I have been living a weird, noun-less existence. Plus, without deadlines or a real job or any responsibilities towards other human beings, my life is virtually verbless too – there is nothing I need to do. No wonder coming up with a blog post is hard – even though I have plenty of time to blog, my life is providing me with the weakest material and I’ve allowed myself to drift along with it. Save for a lingering sense of blog-guilt, I’m also going to admit that I’ve been enjoying it. There are so few stages in life that are like this, in-between times. Lulls.
It does mean that I’ve been a negligent blogger, though I’ve come to terms with the fact that it isn’t really important to post unless I genuinely feel like it, if I do I get posts like this. One thing about moving to a new city is a renewed sense of insignificance. Besides a modest momentum that allows me to continue what I do without much downtime, no one here had heard of me, or Final Fashion, or cares about it, and that is a liberating notion. The way I feel towards blogging now is similar to how I felt when I first started in 2005. I can post, or not post, for any reason, or no reason. It is strange and wonderful to allow myself be released from the struggle of blogging, give up professionalizing it, forget about the ridiculous status race fashion blogging has become. This is exactly what I needed.
I think maybe that echoes the essence of what 2010 was about for me, cutting loose everything that tied me down. Getting rid of all my possessions and my studio. Going to a place where I really don’t know anyone. Taking a break from following fashion, even. On the last day of this year everything about me is clear, inside and out. Appropriately, I don’t have anything planned for today or tonight. I think I’ll just enjoy the unusual lightness of being me.